But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. I agree that its fully fair to say things like, Oh, Toastmasters isnt my thing, but thanks! Thats exactly what I meant by a soft deferral. I usually reply with Nothing, in which Nothing means knitting, crocheting or basket weaving and listening to audio books. If you have a faaaaaaaamlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy culture where not providing free labor on demand for family makes you the jerk, lean in to it and accept the mantle of jerk; this frees you from ever needing to try to avoid that label in the future. Ive seen too many nightmare scenarios of late, in the wake of the Aziz Ansari mess, that start out exactly like you are describing. Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? Funny How To Respond To WYD (What Are You Doing) Texts If it makes you feel better, I did not compare you to my father. Something like this happens every single time. 2. Great, Thanks for Asking. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. Nowadays I usually use The Captains great script: I do not know yet, I have to check my calendar. If you dont want to do something tell them youre not allowed and your parents are really strict etc. Auto-reply email sample: Hi [first_name], Thanks so much for reaching out! Question. Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. Good luck. This is OT, but if someone would like to explain how its supposed to work in the US, Id appreciate it. Should I keep doing what Im doing? I hope this email finds you well. I also agree that this is a loaded question and it also makes me on edge when someone I do not know that well asks it. Amazing what showering can do for you. Vacuuming the cat or shaving the yak* or something. So I get your point, and thats definitely not what I was asking about. I feel like its asking me to say yes or no to an invitation / commitment before I even know what it is (like, if youre having a party I might be free, but my babysitting quota is full for the month so no to that). But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. We all had too much to drink and passed out at Dan's house!" For example, if there were a certain number of hours per week or month that she needs to work at certain things you set, Im not seeing a problem. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. Glad that this day is not that worse. Hello, theres a related phenomenon of *cashiers who dont know you* asking the question. Are you busy? Invitations are not commands. Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. Here we're providing you with some better ways to respond to when your partner or girlfriend says, I hate you when you know they say it jokingly. Here are some days you can disappointedly shake your head at and postpone the event until some hazy future date when a Wednesday sees you free. What Will You Do This Weekend? - englishforums.com Boy, do I need it. Am I? For grocery store cashiers, I keep the answer short: Wet, on a rainy day, or Need more coffee this one particularly for coffee shop baristas, who probably hear it too often. Though I am at the point where if my coworker invites me to Toastmasters one more time, Im just going to cheerfully say, You know, I just dont see myself ever being interested in that. (Though I dont think its likely in this case since the last invitation went something like: Hey, if youre interested, Toastmasters is going to be at [X] time and Im going to be speaking, Great, have fun with that!, I know what that means.). Shampooing the grass. I understand how it can be othering and I never ask anyone where theyre from first. But that was fun and consensual for both parties. Aunt: Good! "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." 2. Xoxo. What are you up to? I would say something like:"what have you done with yours so that i can learn what to do or avoid.". Why? However, there are a lot of male people who use this approach on female people because they are trying to be coercive. Me: Dunno, but probably not. Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. But I think its disingenuous? I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. Not blond but like superwhite. I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. As far as I can tell both we should hang out sometime/lets have lunch and yeah, we should can translate to you are a nice person I have run into on the street or to I want to see you, lets make plans.. Im sure its benignly intended but its intrusive. Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. Well, it is a basic level of people-ing that you need to get used to if you want to interact with other humans, yanno. It sounds to me like an attempt to take away my ability to say no. What are you doing this weekend? I cringe sometimes because a lot of the send awkwardness back to sender! advice overlaps with the kind of thing he does and yeah, it costs him. And they tend to be very very very sure of what counts as racism (nothing they do/say, of course), with an overlay of you should be grateful I am nice to you to wrap it all up. Shell show up at your house again, or track you down partway to school. Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. For example, while my wife and I are paying with a credit card after having Saturday morning breakfast, and while the receipt is printing out, the cashier will say, So, you guys got any good plans for the weekend?. For all that the Your X is Valid thing is trending nowadays, you still need to be able to have basic conversations with people, which includes stuff like this. Can we not with passing judgement on the validity of the LWs feelings about this phrase? I think this is an expected thing for women to do. Me: No can do. That is AMAZING and I love Gladys (and you) and that is going directly into my repertoire for Dealing With Those Extroverts. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. People use it for all sorts of reasons. Thank you! You can try to head it off by always responding with some activity youre doing that could theoretically make you busy if it turns out you need to be busy But frankly if someone is trying to manipulate you then you have a manipulative person problem, not a specific question problem. So I know what youre talking about. If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). but I agreeparents of adult children (Hell, parents of NOT adult children) need to be more respectful of their childrens time and energy. And to this day, unless its a good friend with whom I know I can say eh I just dont feel up to what you suggested even though Im not busy, I get anxious whenever someone pulls the so what are you up to on X day? question. My mom recently moved from but why? to Ok, I guess you dont love me which is actually a sign things are going my way because its not a direct question. leaving them vulnerable to all kinds of predation as teens and young adults. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. Some variation of were busy or we have plans works better. My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? That is my current standard response. While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. Number 6 is my answer to " why don t u want to have kids ? Mild office small talk is fine with me, and I have a few coworkers who may become friends. Flying in a rocket ship. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. Most of them, anyway. And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. Accompany your morning treating with a Halloween wish. Vagueing it up works for me. W- Work free. But I have made a major effort to train myself to STATE WHAT I WANT first. Best of luck to you, dear LW! 1. a s h l e y. But I dont want to? Why? It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like I do have quite good boundaries with my family (after years of building them) and definitely only babysit when I want to. Now most parents dont really mean anything bad by this (theyre just used to being able to control their childs time and havent stopped to consider thats a rude way to treat an adult), so responding every time they try this with, Why, whats up? wont be a problem, followed by, that wont work for me if the invitation isnt something the adult child wants to do. Spot on, thank you. ME: Great! 57 Killer Conversation Starters So You Can Talk to Anyone #2 is a good point. How are you? I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. (huge smile) I told you that this is our private time and we will not be walking with you! (If they meant the invitation) Them : OH! no one tries to rope me into something). Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. As I stated above, it can even affect quality of healthcare and employment opportunities. E- Engage in the fun. Funny Bumble Answers #3: Rebel Without A Cause This answer is funny because it paints a picture in the woman's mind of a rebel, even in his youth. I wouldnt mind your first either, but thats because the few people whod ask me exactly that are close enough for me to answer however Id like. But no one argues against working! I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. Always always have a plan I forgot about until next day. Were no longer friends because she never wanted to make time to hang out with me; she just wanted free babysitting. Thats a great answer! Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. Theyre almost certainly not trying to pry into information you consider private! It means Im doing nothing., Glorying in my splendid solitude how about you?. Him: Nothing at all? Of course, he keeps doing it his way, so I just ask dunno, why? My DH reminds me when predictable events are coming up and advises me to fill up my calendar! Why not set up a rent in dollars or set hours of work, and have done? Not every parent who expects stuff from their kid is unreasonable. Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. Him: Good. Especially if I have reason to suspect its just going to be some variation of wanna hang out? if you have something concrete to suggest, lead with that! E- Excitement. When she asks me what Im doing on a particular day, I just say Im not sure or I need to check my calendar until she tells me what she wants. Thats just the question it looks like. Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. LW specifically gave examples of when it happens and why it annoys them, yet dozens of people are trying to splain that this is just small talk in their part of the world. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? Funny Responses to Rude Comments Sorry fella, I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today. And then both go on to other things. But *I* am entitled to enact some of that fallout myselfits not all about her, shes not the only one who gets to be offended and feel pushed around, etc. And it absolutely has a cost, even for him. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. 20 Quick & Easy Canned Responses to Improve Your Customer - HubSpot Mostly they arent great at invitations. Im still seething. Since LW was talking about very short-term questions, I certainly hope no one is asking because they need to tell the caterer! ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. Sorry, Im busy. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live.
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